Illusions of a Nightmare
by DixieGoddess
Summary: Kakashi is haunted by nightmares... and he can just never seem to say those three important words... KakaxIru/Mature/Angst


Hello all! I don't think I've written or updated a fic in like... 5 years or so... That makes me sad and I'd really like to get back to writing. So here's a short little thing that popped into my head that I thought I'd hammer out to get the writing flowing again so I can go finish some of the fabulous stories I'm ashamed to have abandoned so long.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to Naruto or its characters.

Warning: Mature content and sadness

* * *

The door closes heavily behind him and Kakashi sighs. The mission wasn't difficult but it was long. He flops on the couch and closes his eye tiredly. The silence is deafening.

He shifts, clasping his hands together, and when he opens his exposed eye again, Iruka is standing in front of him, smiling.

The smile doesn't reach his eyes, but Kakashi ignores it and turns his gaze away so he doesn't have to see.

The brunette approaches and quietly removes the jounin's sandals. "How was your mission?"

Kakashi lets out a breath and closes his eye again, head lolling back. He doesn't answer, and Iruka doesn't say anything else. He just starts rubbing the tired feet. It doesn't feel like it used to – it's rougher, sloppier – and Kakashi grits his teeth in annoyance, wanting to snap at the other man. But he holds his tongue, and Iruka continues to smile up at him with those empty eyes and knead the calloused heels as he drifts off to sleep.

* * *

Blood. Everywhere. The body on the ground is shaking from the shock. Kakashi's eyes go wide and he rushes to his fallen comrade. "No… please…"

* * *

The jounin jerks awake, still upright on his couch in his dirty post-mission uniform. His sandals are neatly side by side on the ground.

Iruka is gone.

* * *

Kakashi ambles lazily through the village, balancing his groceries carefully in one hand, leaving the other free for his IchaIcha. He knows he's getting disapproving stares and whispers from the villagers – especially the ones close to Iruka. He ignores them. They should have known better than to think anything would change.

He walks through the door of his apartment, kicking up dust as he enters. Iruka usually cleaned when he came over, but he hasn't done so in months, and Kakashi scowls at the dirty floor.

He sets the groceries on the counter and turns to start getting the necessary cookware to make dinner. When he turns back, Iruka is unloading the groceries with that stupid smile on his face. Kakashi ignores him as they prepare the meal together.

Iruka chats all throughout dinner, not even touching his food. Kakashi listens boredly.

"Oh, did I tell you about the other day at the academy when Konohomaru –"

Kakashi tunes out the rest of the sentence. He tells that story all the time. The conversation is never different.

"Hey, you know what?" Iruka reaches across the table and grasps Kakashi's hand with his own. It's cold.

The jounin jerks away and stands abruptly. Iruka pauses, then smiles and follows suit without complaint, gathering the dirty dishes.

Kakashi doesn't want to look at him anymore, so he wanders into the living room, flopping on the couch. His eye drifts closed as he listens idly to the sounds of the dishes being done in the next room and Iruka's humming. It's off-key.

* * *

Kakashi drags himself through the gates. He's dirty and tired. And he misses Iruka. The chuunin should have gotten back from his mission a few days before him. He cheerfully inquires about his lover to Kotetsu as he checks in. The other chuunin's eyes take on a worried tint. Iruka's team hasn't returned yet.

Just as Kakashi starts to feel dread build up in him, his worst fears are confirmed as he sees someone in the distance, struggling to run for the gates. It's one of Iruka's teammates… bloody, injured, panicked...

Kakashi and Kotetsu run to him. Kakashi demands to know where Iruka is. He barely manages to order Kotetsu to send for Sakura as he takes off in the direction that Iruka's teammate says his chuunin is. He attempts to remain cool on the outside, but his heart has sped up ten-fold.

* * *

Kakashi wakes on the couch, not remembering falling asleep. The apartment is silent. He wanders into the kitchen to find the dishes clean, but Iruka didn't drain the sink. He reaches in and pulls the plug harshly, then stalks off to bed.

* * *

"Iruka…" Kakashi's voice is shaky as he reaches out to cradle the head of loose, blood-soaked, brown hair. Iruka spasms in his arms and coughs up more blood.

He can't even tell where all the blood is coming from, there's so much of it. Part of it is probably from the enemy ninja, dead a few feet away. But more is coming out of Iruka…

"Just hang in there. Sakura's on her way." He tries to sound strong.

"K…Ka…shi…" Blood bubbles from the chuunin's lips as he tries to rasp out the other's name.

"Don't talk," Kakashi snaps.

"Kashi…" Iruka's hand snaps up and grips his vest urgently.

* * *

Kakashi turns away from his approach to the memorial stone. Naruto and Sakura are already there. He doesn't enjoy musing over the stone around other people – and he especially doesn't want to do it in front of his old students.

Sakura notices him though and turns slightly, as though hoping he'll stay. Naruto sniffles loudly, and Kakashi keeps walking. The boy had to know he'd eventually reach the age where he'd start losing people.

Sakura hangs her head sadly and turns back around.

* * *

Blood. Everywhere. The body on the ground is shaking from the shock. Kakashi's eyes go wide and he rushes to his fallen comrade. "No… please…"

"Iruka…" Iruka spasms in his arms and coughs up more blood.

"Just hang in there. Sakura's on her way."

"K…Ka…shi…"

"Don't talk."

"Kashi…" Iruka's hand snaps up and grips his vest urgently.

* * *

Kakashi bolts up in bed. It's still dark out. He hasn't slept through the night in months. The same nightmare plagues him night after night. He sighs and rustles up more dust as he steps out of bed. He won't be getting back to sleep.

* * *

He sips the coffee without looking at the teacher. Iruka is seated next to him with his own coffee mug, chatting away lightly as the sun starts to just barely rise. He tells Kakashi all about his lesson plan for the day. It's outdated. But Kakashi doesn't say anything about it. He doesn't say anything at all.

He sneaks a quick look at the man next to him, eye narrowing in disgust. He wants to tell him to shut up. He wants to tell him to go away. But he doesn't. Because he's weak. And he hates himself for that. And he hates the way that Iruka keeps talking, and he hates the way that he just lets him…

"Well, thanks for the coffee! I need to be off for the academy. Bye!" Iruka pecks him on the exposed part of his cheek. His lips are like ice and Kakashi almost breaks the mug in his hand when he clenches it in fury. There's a soft pop and Iruka is gone. Kakashi grabs up the other coffee cup – still full – and slams both mugs into the sink, effectively smashing them both and staining his kitchen wall black.

* * *

Kakashi storms into his apartment, slamming the door behind him. He had tried to get a mission but none were available for the day – at least, nothing for someone of his rank. So he had wandered. Was everyone in this damn village in love? It sure seemed that way. Everywhere he went, people were holding hands, gazing at each other adoringly, making out where they thought no one could see them, groping at each other madly…

Kakashi's lower regions ache a bit. It's been awhile.

He lies down on the couch, closing his eye, contemplating…

The couch sags a bit at the end as Iruka sits down next to his knee. "How was your day?"

"Long." Kakashi mentally beats himself up for answering. But he needs this…

"Aww, poor thing," Iruka teases lightly, hand caressing his upper leg.. "I wonder what I could do to make it all better…" he continues, pretending to think while his hand betrays his thought, sneaking up the silver-haired man's inner thigh.

Kakashi's breath hitches when a tanned hand cups him through his pants, rubbing softly. He can't stop himself from getting hard quickly at the persistent ministrations.

Iruka smiles. "Mmm, feeling better?" he coos. Kakashi doesn't respond, and the chuunin moves up to kneel between his legs, working the clasp on the jounin's pants. Kakashi grunts softly as the cold hand reaches into his pants and releases him, but he keeps his eye closed and tries to ignore it.

His cock is already leaking, and Iruka's tongue flicks over the tip, drawing a low moan from the older man. Iruka smirks, doing it again, watching in appreciation as Kakashi's cock twitches in anticipation. He leans down and trails his tongue slowly along the length, finally causing Kakashi to open his eye and look directly at him, pleading… "Iruka… please…"

Iruka smiles, all too smugly, and slowly and deliberately takes the other man into his mouth. Kakashi moans again and throws his head back, relishing in the feeling. Iruka starts a slow pace, and it's everything Kakashi can do to keep from begging him to go faster.

He goes back to observing the chuunin, eyes filled with need as he watches his hardness disappearing into the talented mouth over and over again. "Fuck, Iruka…" he breathes so low that he can barely hear himself.

The brunette is still wearing his ponytail, so Kakashi reaches down and quickly divests him of his hair tie, letting the locks fall free. He buries his hand in the hair.

But it's not soft like he expects. It's not silky and doesn't run through his fingers. It's course and stiff – like his own unruly silver hair. Kakashi growls, suddenly angry. He grabs the chuunin's head and forces it to stay still as he slams his cock into the back of his throat as far as he can go.

Iruka splutters a bit, but Kakashi pays no heed. He keeps his grip on the head of rough hair as he bucks up and down, up and down wildly. Fucking the other's throat relentlessly.

Iruka flails, his hands bracing on the manic jounin's sides, trying to pull away, but Kakashi won't let him. He grits his teeth and goes even faster. "Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck FUCK!" With one last animalistic thrust, Kakashi yanks the abused man's head back, holding it in place by the base of the hair as he shoots his load all over the tanned face.

Iruka's eyes squint shut, but he takes it…

With a final jerk, Kakashi deflates back into the couch, breathing heavily and finally releasing the abused head of hair. Iruka sits back silently and simply stares at him expectantly, Kakashi's semen slowly drying on his face.

The jounin squeezes his eye shut, and bring his hands to cover his face. Fucking fuck fuck… what did he just do? Dammit! Dammitdammitdammit!

He clenches his teeth. "Get the fuck out of my sight," he grinds out, voice dripping with absolute disgust. There's a soft pop and he is left alone, his open pants and still wet dick the only remaining proof of his shame.

* * *

"Just hang in there. Sakura's on her way."

"K…Ka…shi…"

"Don't talk."

"Kashi…" Iruka's hand snaps up and grips his vest urgently.

Kakashi stares back at him, terrified.

"Kashi…I…I love…"

"Stop!" Kakashi snaps. "You're gonna be fine!" He honestly can't tell if he's trying to convince himself or the injured man.

Iruka tightens his grip on the jounin's vest, shaking violently as his body goes into the final stages of shock. He looks at Kakashi pleadingly, begging him silently.

* * *

Kakashi once again rises before the sun, flicking on the lamp on his nightstand, hoping it will chase the bloody dream away. He shakes his head, trying to shake the images out, wanting to chuckle morbidly at his own stupidity and weakness…

* * *

Kakashi leans back against the trunk of his favorite tree, lounging along the length of the branch. The sun beats warmly down on him and he feels a brief moment of peace. He closes his eye and relaxes back, the days and days of little sleep quickly catching up to him.

This time he doesn't have his usual nightmares. Iruka is there, but there is no blood, no smell of death, no gripping horror at losing his loved one… A happy memory filters through his subconscious instead.

He is lying in Iruka's lap, in the grass, enjoying the sweet summer day. The chuunin is rubbing his temples softly, lulling the jounin with his soft hands and smooth rhythm. Kakashi often wished he could return the favor, but no one – _no one_ – had hands as magical as Iruka's.

The brunette sings quietly, the sound literal music to Kakahi's ears. He wishes Iruka would sing more often, not just when they were alone. He has the most beautiful voice – unlike Kakashi's tone deaf belting. But whenever he brings it up, Iruka just blushes and gets embarrassed. So he enjoys these moments.

Iruka chuckles finally. "You're just like your nin-dogs. Scratch behind your ears and you could lie there all day like a happy fool."

Kakashi cracks open his eye and attempts to glare at his lover, but to no avail. "I take offense to that. I'm no fool."

Iruka breaks into a teasing grin, the smile lighting up his whole face, his eyes sparkling with mirth. "But you _are_ just like a nin-dog."

Kakashi pouts. "Maa, sensei, better watch that mouth of yours."

Iruka raises a brow. "Oh, and if I don't?" he challenges.

Kakashi reaches up and behind him to thread his hands into the rarely loose brown hair. It slips through his fingers like silk. "Then I'm going to steal it from you."

"I'd love to see you try."

In a flash, Kakashi's mask is down and he's tugged the chuunin's lips down to meet his. Iruka's mouth is warm and inviting. Everything about Iruka is always warm. Kakashi has yet to figure out how that's possible, but he's not complaining.

The kisses continue, Iruka perfectly content with Kakashi "stealing" his mouth for the moment. He finally breaks away and nuzzles the copy-nin's cheek. "I love you," he whispers softly.

Kakashi hmmm's, but doesn't return the words. He never does, and Iruka is used to it. He simply smiles softly, and pecks the other man on the cheek before straightening back up.

* * *

Kakashi wakes slowly as the sun starts to set, his mind trying desperately to stay in that serene place. That place where he and Iruka were happy…

But now he's fully awake and it's gone and he's back to reality. He sighs and heads home.

* * *

Kakashi lies down in bed, slightly proud of himself. He did not have Iruka for dinner – did not put up with some inane chatter – did not disgust himself with his sexual urges… In fact, he hadn't seen the chuunin all day…

* * *

Blood. Everywhere. "No… please…"

"Kashi…I…I love…"

"Stop! You're gonna be fine!"

Iruka tightens his grip on the jounin's vest, shaking violently as his body goes into the final stages of shock. He looks at Kakashi pleadingly, begging him silently.

"I love you," he chokes out around the blood.

Kakashi stares back, his tongue failing him. The brown eyes beg for a final moment. "Iruka, I…" But he can't… he can't say it…

The grip on his vest loosens and the body shudders a few more times as it goes limps in his arms. The big, pleading eyes go dim until they're staring into nothingness.

"No… No! Iruka!" Kakashi shakes the prone body desperately. "Iruka, please! No! No! I… I…" He still can't say it… even now... "Iruka!"

* * *

"Iruka!" Kakashi jerks awake in the pitch blackness of midnight, thrashing wildly. He can still feel the blood on his hands, can still feel the chill running through his body at the look in the lifeless eyes.

His hands flail as he tries desperately to find his comfort. "Iruka… Iruka…"

"Shhhh…" A tanned hand comes to rest gently on his cheek. Iruka is staring back at him lovingly, though Kakashi can't see his eyes clearly in the dark room. "I'm here, Kashi…"

Kakashi instantly quiets, melting into the hand, ignoring the icy fingers. "Iruka…"

Iruka climbs into bed next to him, coaxing him back to his pillow. The chuunin lies down next to him, pressing up against his side, gazing at him with care.

Kakashi's breath starts to even out after a few minutes. "I had the most horrible dream," he mumbles as he closes his eyes again.

"I know, Kashi," Iruka whispers. "Go back to sleep."

Kakashi begins to drift off again, landing in a semi-dream state. He's back in the grass, but Iruka is dying in his arms once again. There's no blood though. No shuddering. No coldness. But Kakashi can tell – it's still the same dream. Except this time, Iruka's eyes aren't pleading. They're on the verge of closing for the last time, but he still manages to look lovingly at Kakashi. "Kashi…" His hand reaches up to grip the vest.

Beside him, Iruka leans over to kiss his cheek softly as Kakashi starts to fully surrender to dreamland.

"I love you," both Irukas whisper simultaneously.

And because he's not sure if he's dreaming or still awake, Kakashi smiles and finally manages to breathe out, "I love you too, Ruka."

Dream Iruka smiles contently as his eyes close as though he's just going to sleep.

And with his confession still permeating the cool night air, Kakashi finally loses consciousness fully.

There's a soft pop as his chakra control is lost and the henged shadow clone disappears.

Kakashi shivers in his sleep as he lies on the bed, alone.


End file.
